Procrastination Kills

Written By: Samuel J. Hoppe

The writer sat down at his desk, dusted his keyboard off, and opened google docs. He stared at the blank untitled document in front of him. He then lit a candle on his desk with a bic lighter decorated with pictures of graham crackers, chocolates, and toasted marshmallows. The lighter and candle reminded him of those cozy nights as a child sitting around a bonfire with family and friends, so many years ago. Now he sat alone burning a pumpkin scented candle reminiscing about those days.

The writer focused his mind back on his untitled document. He wondered what his next story would be about. A whimsical fantasy full of sword fighting and dragons? No, to overdone.  A journey through an unexplored jungle on an island that mysteriously appears in the middle of the ocean? Not bad, a tad more original but it gave him “Journey To The Center Of The Earth” vibes. A mystery through the great pyramids of Giza full of mummies coming to life, ancient curses and booby traps. Hmm.. maybe another time. A story about a writer sitting at his desk, wondering what to write about. Perfect! Very exciting. That is this story. Oh, one moment I'm being interrupted.

The writer was interrupted during his writing session to be shown a blanket that his girlfriend had ordered off of amazon. To be fair, It was a nice blanket and he loved it but the interruption made him lose his train of thought. He sat back at his desk and thought of all the other distractions that could disrupt him later that evening. He then locked his door and got back to writing. 

Ah yes, the story about a writer sitting at his desk, wondering what to write about. The writer moved his attention back to his untitled document. He noticed the little cursor thing that blinked where the next letter would be placed. He googled what it was called but couldn’t find any answers. He then wondered if he worded his google search wrong and tried again. Still no answers.  Oh well. He continued staring at the blinking cursor when his stomach growled. The thought of pizza ran through his mind. 

“Mmm, Pizza.” He mumbled aloud.

He clicked the new tab icon at the top of his browser and searched ‘Pizza near me’. He clicked the first link and ordered a large meat lover's pizza and a side of cheesy bread.  

“Can't write on an empty stomach!” He chuckled out loud. 

Thirty minutes or so later he heard the doorbell ring. He stopped scrolling twitter and hurriedly ran down his stairs and greeted the pizza delivery man with a large smile, gave the man a ten dollar tip and took his food upstairs and placed it onto his keyboard. A few random letters were typed from this, they were “A-S-S”. The pizza box randomly typed out ass onto his document. He chuckled at this. 

“Well That's a start!” he mumbled while chewing on a piece of cheesy bread. He reached for his remote and loaded up “HBO Max” where he could watch his favorite show “The Big Bang Theory”. He noticed he had left off in the middle of an episode the last time he watched and had to see how the next episode ended before he could do any writing. So he clicked on it and hit play.

The instant he hit play on his T.V. an object crashed through his window. Upon inspection he realized it was a large hardcover book. Then suddenly a figure flew through the window. 

It was Stephanie Queen! (Definitely not a female version of possibly the greatest writer of all time.)

“But.. But.. How?.. My window? What? You're one of the greatest writers of all time! Why are you here? Are those wings?” 

“You sir have committed a crime in the writing world! The biggest crime of all! For you have been deemed a... Procrastinator! And for this! You have been sentenced to death!” Stephanie Queen shouted at the man as her wings retracted. She reached into her coat and pulled out a ball point pen. 

“A pen? You're gonna kill me with a pen?” 

Then Stephanie Queen clicked the pen and instead of a ballpoint coming out a large blade extended. Stephanie Queen lunged forward stabbing the writer in his chest. Blood flowed from the wound staining the man's shirt. In an instant Stephanie Queen was behind the man. 

“Any last words?” Queen asked. 

“This.. would make for a great story.” The man coughed up. 

“Ah! It would! But by you it would never get finished!” Queen said then slit the man's throat and kicked his body onto the floor. 

“Don’t procrastinate kids! Or else I may have to pay you a visit!” Stephanie Queen said as she clicked the end of her sword causing it to return back into a pen, then grabbed her hard cover book, and flew out of the window. In search of more procrastinating writers. 

The End.